April 2013........nearly 16 years a friend who was very dear to me gone....... To heaven. I've mourned for him....pining over his lost... as i'm the one found him. Still, i could feel the coldness of his body.....when i grab him under the log, in the waterfall..... And hell yes, i have a phobia whenever i was near a stream, waterfall and even sea. PARANOID, people would call me. Like i care.... Only me and me alone knew what it feels..... Having it haunting your dream for years, night after night...... Suffocating me and nearly kill my spirit in living.
Losing him, makes every relationship i had felt bitter. Still pining his lost, because for me he is so damn perfect. Everytime, whenever fight occured, i would be crying, hoping that he is there to heal my heart..... Comparing him with others, feeling empty though i'm commit to a relationship.
Unhealthy relationship, one after another, because, i know, my heart belongs to a person who already not in this world. I'm suffering in order finding 'perfection' in every relationship i have. Self loath...thinking that i'm not worth it to other person, as i'm betraying 'him'... For searching comfort with other man...... Every year, for several years....whenever the anniversary of his departure... I would mourning, locking myself in my room, praying for his peace..... Remembering every moments with him, hoping that he will visit in my dream, reliving our sweet memory together. Neither i care that my action would hurt other living person who loves me. But, dont blame me, coz usually, i would fall in love with jerks!
Until....... I met him!
Him whom becomes my lover, him whom becomes my fiance, him whom becomes my husband, and now him, whom becomes the father of my lovely daughter.
Love at first sight, i think. I met him through our small university club, when he became one of my junior. For two semesters, i just watched him, not knowing how to make a move. Confident that he will not acknowledge my present in the club, or i think he just ignore me, as i am being the most hateful senior (@_@)..... As well i am taken at that time. Just looking at him, makes me remember 'him' who left me, and his presence itself makes me felt content. Until an activity makes us closer, and a movie date changes everything, makes my desire to him even more subtle. How could i let go this perfect men in order to complete the imperfect me..... And for the first time in my life, i havent think of the late him. I just think of him, who is in front of me.
2 years of our flirting and no string attached relationship, for the first time, the late him visited me in my dream.... Without any words, only smiles, he letting me go..... Showing that the choice i made was correct. I woke up, (with tears of course), realising that me, myself need to let 'him' go to rest in peace. That he believes that the man that i've had my relationship with is capable to take a very good care of me. A man who have taken a high responsibilities towards our relationship. Sesungguhnya, perancangan Allah itu maha indah.
Disember 2008, it is the end of all my nightmares. I gain my sleep, i gain my life and i gain my love. I felt complete, and starting from there, no mourning, no more locking myself in room, pining for dead people. His love distract me from everything... And i am grateful that he becomes my husband. I've recoveed for my lost, and god gives me the most wonderful gifts in my life. A perfect family for me.
Why am i suddenly wrote about this, pouring down all my emotions in this blog? Because a good friend of mine is having a similar experience with me, though it is not her lover, but her good friend. I do gave her advice.. Just let them go. I do have a quote from season 1 'ghost' aired in 8tv, stuck in my head, but cant seem to extract it out, the meaning of the quote was telling us for not pining and mourning for the person who left us, but accept it and move on. Cause if they still visit us, it makes them as well sad. When the friend told me that she can't accept it, it is like a wake up call for me that it already nearly 5 years that i haven't sent any prayers to 'him'....... Not even a slightest nostalgia about him came to me. What a disgrace me. But, i proof myself that i've move on, and my husband is the perfect man for me as he did not gave any chance for me to remember or anything.
Thank you mr armseeker for coming into my life, giving me all your love, and perfected the inperfect me. I'm blessed to have you and our lovely daughter.
