Akhirnya.... Mrs. Armseeker

Penantianku akhirnya berakhir....Setelah bermain tarik tali hampir 2 tahun, kami ditunangkan pada 11.10.2008 dan akhirnya, pada tanggal 9.10.2009 aku bergelar Mrs. Armseeker..... Dengan sekali lafaz, kami berdua selamat diijabkabulkan pada jam 5.45 petang oleh pendaftar nikah Pasir Panjang Manjung, di rumah ku di Perak..... Bertahun menyulam rasa sayang, rasa suka, dan cinta, akhirnya Yang Esa makbulkan juga doaku untuk disatukan dengannya. Adakah ini pilihanku yang terbaik? Ya, kerana sepanjang perkenalan kami, belum pernah terdetik lagi dalam hati ini menyesali dan meragui perhubungan kami. Segala dugaan dan cabaran yang kami tempuhi bersama, terasa sangat berbaloi apabila aku mendengar lafaznya untuk menerimaku sebagai suri hidupnya. Syukur Ya Allah, kerana memakbulkan doa hambamu ini.

Saat-saat akad dilafazkan

Sewaktu Taklik dibacakan

Kau dan aku.......
Hanya kau yang ku cinta.....

Mr. & Mrs. Armseeker

Merenung di kejauhan.....

Semoga kebahagian tercipta untuk kita...

P/s : Thank to Mr. Daddy Aqil Khalish for the lovely pic that you take... To my bridesmaid, No'a and Ayie, To my beloved bespwen, Mummy Aqil Khalish, Sasa & Duan, Dil, Ayu, Azue and Dedek and also my most beloved family, who makes my big day happen and great, a big thanx to all of you. Really lve you allz!!!!!

Pengalaman Naik Tren (Shuttle KL-Ipoh-KL)

Semalam adalah hari yang sangat memenatkan….. huhuhu. Renee bangun seawal jam 6.00 pagi, solat subuh pastu terus kemas rumah dan barang-barang. Pelikkan, selalunya lepas subuh Renee mesti tido balik… Hehehe…..

Actually bukan apa, renee kena pegi ipoh hari ni. Nak setelkan perkara berkenaan wedding renee yang tinggal x sampai lgi 2 minggu…. Risau nya tak terkata, bertambah dengan runsing. Bukan apa, rasa macam banyak giler benda tak setel lagi, ditambah dengan kena g kursus BTN lagi….huhuhu…..

Pukul 8.35 pagi semalam sampai kat KL Sentral. Tg k shuttle train tu tengah menunggu. Tepat pukul 9.00 pagi, keretapi bergerak meninggalkan stesen KL Sentral. Renee sampai ipoh dalam pukul 12.oo tgh hari. Cepatkan? Actually sepanjang-panjang perjalanan tu, Renee tertidor, jadi sedar-sedar dah sampai Ipoh. Itupun nasib baik abang konduktor yang jensem tu kejutkan, kalau tak, mesti renee dah sampai KL balik. Hehehe……

Sampai ipoh, mak abah ngan Pak Ya dah menunggu. Nasib baik Pak Ya expert jalan dekat Ipoh. At least takderlah kami sesat larat di sana. Selesai jer urusan kami semua, Pak Ya ajak kami beraya di rumah adik dia….. Kebetulan adik Pak Ya buat masakan laksa. Renee apa lagi, sebat x hengat punye. Dalam pukul 5.0 petang, renee dihantar semula semula ke stesen ketapi (Isnin keje, terpaksala balik KL).

Tren tu bertolak tepat pukul 6.00 petang. Kali ni renee dapat kerusi yang tak best. Bila renee bangun sekejap, kerusi tu pun ikut naik sama…. Jenuh jugak renee bersandar supaya kedudukan kerusi tu dalam keadaan yang baring. Terlelap sekejap, tapi cik abang pulak kol. Aduii….kacau tulla…. Kesudahannya, dalam 3 jam perjalanan balik tu, renee habiskan dengan termenung, main mesej ngan berangan….. Tapi, actually, memang seronokla dapat naik tren kali ni. Tak ler letih sangat badan berbanding dengan drive sendiri……

Birthday my gubu.....part 2

Balik dari KL Tower hari tu, kitaorang terus balik Selayang, rumah dia. Renee actually waktu tu segan sangat nak pegi, iyala.....muka tengah serabai, penat balik induksi...huhu.... Malam besoknya tu, whichis malam minggu....His mom masak sedap-sedap..... Kami pegi beli kek. Kebetulan, his birthday sama tarikh ngan his cousin, so we all celebrate sama-sama. Huhu......Meriah jugak la, walaupun dah lama renee tak attend or buat any birthday celebration ramai-ramai....

Birthday my gubu....Part 1..

Tiba-tiba tengah belek collection gambar-gambar lama, terbukak la pulak sambutan birthday my gubu Mei lepas. Ingatkan nak update blog masa lepas birthday, tapi tersibukla pulak, langsung lupa. Ini baru nak update, almaklumla, bulan-bulan puasa ni, sangap giler nak buat keje. Melangut jer dari pagi. Buat sikit, stuck. Buat kejer sikit, ngantuk. Tapi bila update blog, laju pulak tangan aku menaip, yer? Sambutan birthday dia, buat dalam dua fasa. Satu kitaorang celebrate sendiri-sendiri. Aku dah lama teringin nak belanja dia makan kat restoran berputar kl tower sebenarnya(aku sendiri yang nak tu...hehehe). jadi lepas jer aku balik dari induksi kat Pangsun, dia amik aku, kitaorg terus bergegas ke KL Tower. Aku dengan letih-letih dan muka serabai, mekap sikit-sikit jer. Selamba jer dinner pakai baju kurung. Dia lak pakai baju kerja pegi sana. Kitaorang book pukul 7.30, tapi sampai awal dalam pukul 6.00 petang, jadi kitaorang lepak kat menara pandang dia. Nampakla matahari nak terbenam, klcc dan satu KL. Pada aku, cantik sangat. dan hanya itu jer yang aku mampu berikan sebagai hadiah. Sebab aku betul-betul x sempat nak prepare apa. Harap dia puas hati dengan hadiah yang berupa kenangan ini.... Inilah kenangan kami......

Waktu-waktu Poyo (part 1)

Hahaha………..sengaja ku letak tajuk yang begini untuk menceritakan tentang achievement ku dan tunangku selepas beberapa tahun bekerja. Bukan berniat untuk riak atau aper, Cuma untuk berkongsi kegembiraan aku dengan kawan-kawan ku yang tersayang…..

Enam (6) bulan sebelum tarikh kebesaran aku (yang mana tinggal lagi 2 bulan), rezeki aku sangat mencurah-curah. Termasuklah hutang piutang bertambah-tambah. Apa yang paling menggembirakan aku, aku berjaya menambah koleksi keretaku…… Ya, tambah hutang lagi…. Apa jadi dengan kereta iswara kesayanganku??? Kuserahkannya bawah jagaan tunangku dan ibuku. Ini kerana, aku berjaya mendapat pekerjaan baru yang jalannya jem teruk. Tak sanggup beb meredah jem hari-hari pakai kereta manual. Sakit tulang keting dan tulang belakang ku menekan clutch.

Inilah kereta kesayangan ku…. Bubu dan adik baru Nessie…… bubu masih ku jaga penuh kasih sayang…. Dan bakal diberikan kepada ibuku, aku amik kancil balik….. Mari kita jamu mata dengan kereta tak berapa cantikku.

Inilah kedua-dua nessie dan bubuku di garaj serdang.

Rumah Baruku.....

Minggu yang memenatkan serta men'tension'kan.Aku amik CR isnin lepas. Test HIV dan pindah rumah. Bengang betul dengan tukang angkat barang hari tu. Kasar nak mampus. Dahla banyak merungut. Guard pun macam haram. Tapi bila nampak aku, tahu pulak nak lari..... Haii!!! Aper ajerlah manusia ni.

Tapi, aku bersyukur. Alhamdulillah, akhirnya berjaya jugak aku memiliki rumah sendiri. Walaupun buat masa ni aku terpaksa menyewa pada tuan rumah lama, (since proses tukar nama lambat sgt prosesnya), tapi at least the former owner bagi aku kebebasan nak buat apa ajer. It's ur hse, actually..... Hehehe.....

Actually renee x reti nak upload gambar dalam blog... Selalunya gambar yang renee upload sumernya burok. Nantila, bila da pandai nak upload cantik2, renee upload gambar rumah baru,ek? Anyway, x leh blogging lama-lama... Kejer tengah banyak ni.... Nanti la, bila dah free sikit, akanku update selalu blog ini.

Daa......

Bengang!!!!

Serius aku bengang giler sekarang ni. Nak luahkan, tak tahu saper yang aku boleh percaya. Jadi blog ni je la tempat aku lepaskan geram.

Aku benci bila orang suka tolak-tolak kerja. Bila suruh orang ni, tolak pada orang lain. Sampaikan kawan-kawan yang lain buat kerja tu pun jadi tak ikhlas. Geram sangat…… Aku tak tahu nak cakap aper.. Menahan marah supaya jangan meletup. Argghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faham, itu bukan kerja hakiki mereka, dan mereka juga fed-up bila masalah asyik timbul dan mereka dipersalahkan. Tapi orang-orang lain yang satu bahagian tu, tak boleh tolerate ker? Bantulah kawan-kawan. Satu bahagian kan dah macam adik beradik… Ishhh….aku betul-betul tak faham manusia-manusia ini.

Tuhan, bantulah aku mengawal kemarahanku…..

Pendorong harapan atau Pemusnah Impian...?

Sepuluh tahun dahulu, orang memandangku sebagai seorang yang 'loser'. Sering menimbulkan masalah di sekolah, kurang pandai dan agak degil. Mendapat keputusan SPM yang tidak seberapa, membuatkan beberapa guruku menghina aku. "Kamu tidak akan berjaya," "Saya benci tengok kamu, kamu ini bakal sampah masyarakat. Bila habis sekolah nanti, pastinya kamu akan menyusahkan masyarakat," -> kata paling kejam dari seorang guru kaunseling. Aduhai guru, tugasmu mendidik, memupuk semangat kepada anak bangsa. Yang salah diperbetulkan, yang kurang pandai cuba dididik agar menjadi manusia berguna. Bukannya kamu para guru menjadi pemusnah impian anak didikmu sendiri. Being a dream crasher may harm your soul,and you are always being the poison to the dreamers.....

Aku bukanlah berasal dari keluarga yang lekeh, sudah pasti aku punya visiku sendiri. Keputusan SPM yang tidak begitu memberangsangkan juga bukanlah satu tanda bahawa harapanku terkubur begitu sahaja. Aku punya jalan dan cara, usaha untuk mencapai cita-citaku..... Kiranya para guru (bukan semua, hanya sebilangan kecil yang berfikiran cetek dan dangkal), yang dahulunya menghinaku, kata-kata kalian ku sematkan dan ku percaya, aku pasti hari ini aku tidak akan berada di tahap ini. Aku benar-benar bangga dengan kejayaanku sendiri (walaupun tidak seberapa). Aku benar-benar puas, kerana disebalik hinaan dan kutukan itu, kujadikan cabaran kepada diri sendiri untuk berusaha dan cuba menggapai bintang-bintang di langit.

Andainya aku mendengar kata mereka.....aku tidak akan berada di sini hari ini. Pastinya aku akan melukakakan ayahanda bonda dengan duduk di lorong-lorong kelam dan hanya memandang langit yang tinggi tanpa menaruh harapan untuk menjadi manusia. Andainya aku terkesan dengan kata-kata kejam seorang guru dahulu, kiranya aku kini hanya seorang biasa yang masih menagih simpati dari keluarga, dan kiranya aku termakan hasutan guru itu, ku kira akan ku anggap pelajaran dan kerjaya adalah sesuatu yang tidak mampu aku teruskan dan ku gapai. Alam persekolahan adalah tempat di mana harapan dan impian dipupuk dan disimpan, dan gurulah yang memainkan peranan yang sangat penting untuk membentuknya. Kubersyukur kedua ayah bonda pendidik, sejahat manapun aku, atau murid-murid ayahbondaku, mereka tidak tergamak menjadi penghancur impian. Kerana kata ayahku, dia tidak mahu hidupnya dibayangi sesalan apabila melihat anak muridnya tidak berjaya dan menyalahkan dia kerana dia yang menjadi punca hancurnya inpian mereka. Betapa bangganya ayahku pabila anak-anak muridnya datang kepadanya dan menyatakan, "kerana kegarangan cikgulah, saya menjadi manusia yang berguna dan berjaya sekarang ini,". Impian dan matlamat itu perlu untuk manusia teruskan kehidupan...... Kerana tanpa impian dan matlamat, hidup kita akan menjadi kosong.

Wahai guru-guru, janganlah kamu menjadi penghancur impian murid kamu sendiri...Kamu itu pendidik. Jagalah tutur katamu, walau kamu marah sekalipun. kerana kamu tidak tahu bahawa kadangkala kata-katamu itu mampu menjadi pemusnah impian anak didikmu sendiri.....

Dan aku benar-benar bersyukur kerana kujadikan kata-kata guru-guruku sebagai satu cabaran dan ingin benar aku kembali bersemuka dengan mereka menunjukkan bahawa kata-kata kejam mereka itu adalah salah......

(Apalah yang aku ngarut tengah-tengah malam ni???)

TRIBUTE TO MY LIFE – EPISODE 2

Watching second season of ghost - a drama in 8tv. Played by Cheryll Samad, naz ahmad, andeng and others…. I am a fan for season one, but when it comes to season 2, I really don't have the time to follow the entire episodes, however, whenever I have the time, I will watch it.

Last night is the final episode. I've managed to watch it. Although I've missed some of the episodes, but still I can understand the story line.

Okay, stop about that…. Apa yang aku nak ceritakan kat sini adalah macamana tersentuhnya hati aku masa 'ghost' zack imran menghalang eza dari mengorbankan diri sendiri dalam melawan ghost romeo, antagonis season 2 ini. Percintaan Eza dan zack emran lah yang buatkan hati aku betul2 tersentuh…..

Aku pernah mengalami delusi….Selepas orang-orang yang paling aku sayangi (selain mak abah) pergi meninggalkan aku, satu persatu. Aku berhalusinasi dan menganggap mereka masih ada. Saban malam, aku bermimpi melihat mereka. Aku sungguh-sungguh rindukan mereka. Aku tahu, aku tidak kuat dalam menangani kehilangan buat selamanya, tapi aku mencuba. Aku sedar ketika itu aku perlu berpijak di bumi nyata, mengharapkan sokongan dari rakan-rakan, tapi sampai bila? Malahan, high school girls are really mean. Usually all the sorority girls would bully or disseminate the extraordinary girls. Or the mean girl would try her best to stab me behind…… It's really torturing me.

Perkara ni berlanjutan hinggalah aku ke universiti….. Setiap hari merindu, hanya dapat melepas segala lara di dalam mimpi. Dan mimpi yang panjang itu seakan-akan berulang-ulang. Aku hanya mampu melihat, merasa pegangan lembut dan senyuman mereka, tetapi apabila aku terjaga, aku seolah-olah hidup di dalam mimpi ngeri aku sendiri. Setiap hari aku berperang melawan emosi, mengharapkan agar aku akan segera mengikut jejak mereka, agar aku dapat segera bersama-sama mereka. Sungguh, aku beberapa melakukan perkara-perkara yang bodoh, semata-mata tidak mampu menahan perasaan ingin berjumpa dengan mereka. Seolah terlupa bahawa kehidupan alam barzakh bukan seindah yang aku harapkan. Hinggalah suatu hari, apabila aku buat kesekian kalinya melakukan perkara yang hamper serupa dengan eza, hamper mengorbankan diriku semata-mata ingin bersama dengan nya, aku bermimpi, seperti apa yang ditegah oleh zack emran kepada eza, itulah yang berlaku kepada aku…… Dengan senyuman yang aku rindukan, dengan belaian mesranya, dia meminta aku meneruskan hidup aku dengan gembira. Memohon agar aku mengingati mereka di dalam hatiku, tetapi teruskan hidup aku dan gapai apa yang aku impikan. Pada masa itu, aku berkenalan dengan tunangku….. Petanda dia melepaskanku pergi, kerana dia mengetahui tunangku mampu menjagaku dan terbaik untuk diriku. Kali ini aku pasrah…. Kerana, aku benar-benar sudah penat menunggu insan yang kutahu telah tiada.

"There were days when I miss him, but I know he was there. There were days that I can feel him, his breath keeping me warm. Then there are days when I don't think about him, and those are the easiest common day I hope," quoted from ghost episode 1. This quote really makes me think and realized that what I feel all this time…. Days when I don't think about him, its make me easy. I just pray for him to rest in peace….. Now I know what will he feels if I'm dead before the time, when he meet me in the afterlife. Just hope that I wouldn't do something stupid anymore.

Anyway, Kudos to 8TV crew for this fabulous drama….. J

KEBAHAGIAAN YANG KU CARI……

Dulu… masa seorang yang ku anggap sebagai bapa aku mentafsirkan erti mencari kebahagiaannya sendiri, aku selalu tidak setuju. Aku tidak setuju dengan cara dia mencipta kebahagiaannya…Pandanganku berbeza dan tafsiran terhadap erti kebahagiaan sangat berbeza dengannya. Katanya "kita tidak boleh mengharapkan org lain memberikan kita kebahagiaan…kita kena cipta sendiri kebahagiaan itu". Masa tu aku marah, meluat pun ada. Padaku caranya salah… tapi tidak sampai hati utuk menempelaknya, aku cuma mendiamkan diri. Agak lama aku menyepi, dan membiarkan sahaja, kerana aku sendiri memerlukan secebis kebahagiaan untuk diriku sendiri.

Setelah beberapa tahun berlalu…dan bermacam-macam liku-liku kehidupan yang aku tempuh, namun, setelah aku menyedari pelangi yang ingin ku gapai masih jauh dari genggaman, akhirnya aku memahami erti tersirat dari kata-kata 'bapa'ku itu. Ya, setelah perpisahan yang kesekian kalinya, aku akhirnya menemui kebahagian dan cinta sejatiku. Kala ini, aku semakin tidak peduli tohmahan dan kutukan dari orang lain. Aku tidak lagi peduli faktor umur, dan dia juga tidak menjadikan itu alas an untuk tidak menyukai aku… "You are the only person that I can be my ownself,besides my family". Itu ayat yang sering digunapakai apabila aku bertanyakan mengapa aku pilihannya.

Pernah aku ditanya, adakah ini pilihanku yang terakhir, atau aku sekadar ingin mencuba nasib…. Terkedu aku seketika. Begitu terukkah aku, hingga pilihanku dalam mencari secebis kebahagiaan bersama bakal suamiku disalah erti? Umur? Persetankan dengan perbezaan umur itu…Sedangkan kedua ibu bapa kami merestui hubungan ini, mengapa orang-orang begitu cemburu dengan kebahagiaan yang ingin kami cipta? Hai, hati orang, pandangan orang…Kalau diturutkan, sampai bila aku takkan jumpa dengan 'My True Love'.

Kagum dengan dirinya, betapa cekalnya dia, menahan segala kutukan orang (walaupun di belakang, kami tetap mengetahuinya). Dianggap perampas, perosak hubungan orang lain, dan aku dituduh curang. Tapi, hati ini bukan boleh dipaksa. Untuk apa aku bertahan andai si lelaki (hubungan dahulu) tidak bersedia untuk berkahwin… Dan untuk apa aku bertahan andai aku terasa seperti diri ini kurang dihargai dan dihormati. Biarlah orang tuduh aku curang, walau sebenarnya hanya Allah sahaja yang mengetahui apa yang berada di dalam hati ini.

Hanya dia (yang kini menjadi tunangku), mampu untuk menahan segala dugaan itu bersamaku. Dan buat pertama kali, aku mendengar ucapan dari seorang lelaki, yang pada pandangan orang lain masih muda, mengakui bahawa dia bersedia untuk mengambil aku sebagai suri hidupnya, bersedia untuk menjalinkan satu ikatan yang sah bersamaku. Faktor-faktor seperti pekerjaan, wang dan lain-lain, akan diusahakan. Hanya pintanya, biar hubungan kami ini diredhai oleh Yang Maha Esa….kerana, itu yang sebaik-baiknya. Kekurangan wang, bukan halangan untuk kami. Dia yakin, bahawa rezeki ada di mana-mana. Hanya kami yang perlu berusaha… Dan Yang Maha Esa Maha Pemurah dan Penyayang…..

Kini, aku semakin bersemangat setelah ku rasakan bahawa aku semakin mendekati kebahagiaan (tafsiranku). Dan aku berdoa agar dan dia sentiasa dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki dalam persediaan kami menempuh hidup berdua. Amin….

Tribute to my life!!!

Hmm…Think that it's quite a while that I didn't update my dear friendster's blog… Which actually I have another blog which I can talking crap (http://www.desweetrenee.blogspot.com). Thinks I've messed up with my mood of writing. Have the idea but don't have much to spill out. Usually I would write depends to my mood, and my writing is quite good when I feel quite shabby or solemn. But, nowadays, I'm quite happy with my life, and that makes me will write nonsense. Trying to share my happiness with everybody and in the end I would talk crap.

Ila have gave to a baby boy. What a handsome boy her son is. Mohd Aqil Khalish (correct me if I'm wrong with his name). I'm really happy for her. Truly, she's one of my best friends that I really appreciate her in my life. When I got the news from his husband, me, sasa and my beloved fiancé went straight away to the Sg. Buloh Medical Centre to see her and his son. When we arrived, Farah and her family was already there. Her kids were sleeping, one in Farah's arms, and Yaya in her dad's. How lovely, and this visit seems like a reunion for us, as we barely have the time to hang around together. Only Dil not there, as we tried to give her a call but to no avail. She didn't pick up the phone…. How sad…Sob!Sob!...

Looking at Ila, and her growling (sorry dear!hehehe!) about how painful her delivering experiences to s, makes me think… Can I bear the pain when my times come? I know my body; I am weak actually in facing pain. Could I look healthy while I am pregnant…? This thought is already scared me to death…. Ila and Farah, I blame both of you for telling me this kind of scary stories... I'm actually not ready to know…Hehehe, but I know their intention is for me and sasa to get ready… Hahaha… Woit, aku kawin pun belum, korang dah takutkan. Mana aci!!!

Ermm… Seems for me that my days now is full with calm and happy moments. My fiancé actually have started his new semester as a PLK student in UiTM. He takes Business Management-Marketing for his degree. Huhuhu…. From Science to Business… He is adapting the new environment, but I think he'll be ok. It is much easier from microbiology, and I know he will not be regret to this.

Actually I've flunked for the 3^rd time my PTD Assesment. Seem that my luck is still not there. There are many more people greater than me. Quite frustrated but I need to overcome this feeling. Failure usually gives me the urge to put more effort in gaining or achieving what I wanted. I used to fail for so many times, and I won't give up so that easily. I know that I need to find a way for success… and I believe that with patience and effort, my waiting would finally been paid. For this time, I just have to be patient, and can't let the failure overwhelmed me….

Please my friends, do pray for my success… and thank you for all who have encourage me all this while…. I really owed all of you on that. I am really praying, hoping that I will get a permanent post in the government, as I've been longing to work as a government servant from the start. (What a lame ambition). See all of you in next write-up… -end-

The Collection of Stephanie Meyer’s – Twilight Saga

I like to read… Books, novel and most of the time, comic books. I've used to give all my ex-boyfriends a headache when comes to my obsession to books. They do not seem very pleased with my 'all my heart' hobby, coz they always think that I'm wasting my money to something that will be used once (maybe many of them only read a book once, then throw it away, but it is just not my style). How pathetic that they don't really know me well enough to jump into that short, unintelligent conclusion.

Lately, I have one latest collection of my own. Haha…. If my beloved fiancé have his Collection of Harry Potter Series – which he adore it very much, I found myself got into the Stephanie Meyers 'hot' collection – The series of Edward Cullen+Isabella Swan Love Stories, The Twilight Saga. Before I realized how fascinating those books are, I just ignored it, until I watched the movie, then just I realized, how good the books are. So, I went to every bookstores, (which to my disappointment that all those books sold out), until I decide to give a try at Borders, ordered them and just get it after a month of waiting. How the books now have a total control of my life, until I couldn't realized that I hoped that I could be Isabella Swan (how childish!) I've been totally into this saga this few weeks. When I read those books… I just could feel the emotion of the character.

Credits for the author for her such amazing stories….

The Saga of Twilight

My Twiligth and New Moon – 1^st & 2^nd Saga, Bought on 11.01.09

Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – The 3^rd & 4^th (last) Saga, Bought on 17.01.09

I'm in my way of finishing the last books – Breaking Dawn.. Hope the ending is much above satisfied coz I really hoped that it has a happy ending………….

Tears……….

Tears are usually the best friend of mine. Sometimes I would think that my life will only filled with sorrow, anger and heart-broken. I've been disappointed with many things; and the most, my upper secondary life. Nowadays, I've been disappointed with my work.. My performances, the environment in the office. This work has started killing me. However, I realized now that I don't have no more tears. I just cry in my heart, and this gives me so much tense. I think that I prefer to cry out loud, rather than kept it to myself. Darn!!! I don't need this now. Lucky that I have my beloved fiancé to calm me down. Now, for the first time in my life, I has something that I am satisfied with. Yes, I used to write about loving toads rather than a prince. At last, I've finally found my prince charming… And I really hope that this time, I was his missing ribs. Thank you my love, coz you brighten my gloomy life. I know that I already have a shoulder to cry on, although now I forget what tears of sadness looks like…… Coz now what I always cry off is the tears of happiness and love….

True Love Tale!!

I wasn't sure enough, when a man came to me, asking me; "would you marry me?" I know I hardly know him… I know that I just know him, befriend with him a few months ago. Although we know each other quite a long time, but it just that "I know you" type. When I say 'yes' to his proposal… I made my unique world upside down.

I can't forget him, neither hates him. He is just one of my sweet, bitter memories. However, deep down in my heart, I know that this guy actually is not my destiny. I can't adopt into his world, neither did him. He wanted me to adapt his old-fashion, conservative culture, but he, himself can't tolerates with mine. Until I realize that my loyalty is just waste less, I've decide to take and follow my own path….

Broken hearted, me myself felt like wanted to run away from my friends. Grapevine, gossips, rumors about me being mean to him spread through the entire university. This is the consequences for being in love with someone famous. I am lucky as I'm already finishing my study. I struggling with my own self, missing him, loving him and trying to hate him, but I know that it's over. I kept myself reserved, missing him more until I hardly bear the pain. However, The Almighty is full of mercy; His Love to me shows me the right path that I should choose. And my patience is blessed.

Finally I met my true love… Thanks for all this time, you always be at my side, encourage me. Thank you.

THORN IN MY HEART!!!

Only god knows how painful my heart is when I know the truth.

Betrayal!!!

Why on earth that I always have to face this kind of friendship???

Who should I actually believe?

Who can I trust???

I am damn frustrated right now. Feel like wanted to scream, feel like wanted to get off from my seat right now.

Am I too kind, too soft-hearted until my friends could easily take advantage on me?

Am I too useless until they can't see my true self?

Oh Almighty God, please give me strength, give me patience in facing this situation.

Please show me Your mercy, give me all your 'hikmah' to me in this situation.

I am here, just my body, but not my soul.

I am becoming the living dead as my mind is not with me anymore.

Please help me O' Mighty Allah!!!

Ya Allah, besarnya ujianmu ke atas hati hambamu….

Ampunkan aku Ya Allah di atas kekhilafan diri ini.

My Life…..

This is my true life…These days, I feel damn tired. Tired with my working environment. Tired to be the third party of this journey of unknown princess, the story teller. It's no point when you 'ckp kias-kias' when you suffering and all of sudden its started to kill me softly. Darn!!!

Change to bahasa melayu….

Penat…Kecewa….Semua ader dan bermain di mindaku. Kecewa kerana manusia dan ragamnya. Penat melihat apabila melihat umat Nabi Muhammad S.A.W iri hati dan cuba menjatuhkan antara satu sama lain. Itulah manusia. Pepatah melayu : "Rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain". Ader yang kejam, ada yang lebut hati. Yang kuat sentiasa menang, yang lemah sentiasa ditindas…Lumrah dunia.

Teringat zaman belajar. Sebelum aku berjaya menyambung pelajaran ke Ijazah Sarjana Muda Komunikas Massa (Penerbitan). Aku memilih untuk memohon TESL di universiti yang sama. Pada masa yang sama, aku ditawarkan oleh British Council untuk menyambung pelajaran di Canada. Sesuatu yang tidak pernah diceritakan kepada sesiapa selain keluargaku. Namun begitu, halangan dari satu-satunya kekandaku dan juga kedua ayah bonda membuatkan aku terpaksa melupakan niat untuk menyambung di sana. Tidak membenci mereka kerana aku tahu mereka lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk ku. Kekanda ku tidak rela melepaskan adindanya kerana dia telah mengetahui perit dan susahnya merantau ke Negara orang, tambahan pula peristiwa 9/11 masih baru, dan hanya aku seorang sahaja ditawarkan ke sana, membuatkan dia gusar untuk melepaskanku. Sementara kedua orang tuaku tidak rela melepaskan puterinya kerana tidak sanggup berjauhan. Terlepaslah peluang keemasanku.

"Hujan emas di negara orang, hujan batu di negara sendiri. Lebih baik di negara sendiri".

Itulah keputusan paling susah untuk dibuat aku waktu itu. Permohonan TESL tidak berjaya. Padan muka aku…Muet punya pasal.

"They go for band 4", penolong pendaftar di sana yang cuba membantuku di dalam rayuanku memberitahu.

Memang betul-betul padan muka aku. Lain kali masa nak amik exam, main-mainlah lagi. Lepas tu tertidor dalam dewan periksa. Ader jin yang akan tolong kau amik periksa tu…Hehehe…Dahla bangun tidor abang angkat ku yang baik hati tolong kejutkan. Terimalah akibatnya.

Inilah akibat apabila semangat ke'komader'an yang tinggi, actually malam sebelum exam, aku tgh sibuk training untuk jambori. Habis exam, aku trus cabut ke Pahang. Tidor lambat, dalam pukul 1 pagi….hinggalah deringan telefon bimbitku berbunyi.

"Renee, bangun. Ader Muet kan,' lembut suara abangku seorang mengejutkan aku bangun dari lenaku.

"Tak nak pegi boleh tak?" malasnya aku, kerana aku tahu sudah semestinya aku tidak mampu memberikan yang terbaik sewaktu menjawab kertas soalan. Dan telahanku betul, kerana waktu essay, selama dua jam, aku tertidur selama satu setengah jam(walaupun berjaya siapkan essay). Dan keputusannya, Yeay!!! Padan muka aku sbb tak dapat masuk TESL.

Journey to the knowledge of life...

The king & queen of hearts, screamed in excitement when the letter arrived. Their adorable youngest princess has been invited to the world of knowledge. To be the princess of wisdom, to be a knowledgeable and honorable princess amongst the others. They are so proud, as both their princesses are well taught, and educated. They have already gave their love to the fullest to both of them. When their first princess getting married, and give them a full live of proud and happiness, they starting to hope that their youngest princess to be as reliable, as educated, and well taught as her sister. And their youngest princess makes a silence vow as she will never let their hope becomes ashes. She will learn and gained the knowledge that they hope she will get and be a good child to them. And the journey began.....

The kingdom of knowledge....is just not knowledge on the books that others thought so...It is actually more to knowledge of life. This princess have learn a lot of things when she felt into the kingdom of the damned...When she used to lost her way and ended up there...When her parents decided to send her to the kingdom of wisdom, she know that she could face all of the challenge that will come to her. And she was thankful that she had been given a second chance to redeem her sin.

The kingdom of wisdom...Is not only a kingdom that provide knowledge to its minions. They also thought about friendships, hobbies, interest and the most precious, they thought their minions to choose their path of life. If the person is not strong enough to face the tricks and cache in order to gain their own wisdom, they will ended straight into the kingdom of the damned. And the princess survives. She met her true friends, her true love (although few toads in the first few years) and also her path to the kingdom of of happiness...And then she realize...her path is leading her to the journey of a challenging but beautiful life.... (^_^)

Loving toads who would never turn into a prince!

Usually, when someone in love, they do not care what is his/her lover looks like. They can cope with their bad behavior. They adore their lover so much. I used to have the same feelings as them....Adore most of my partners so much. I tend to cope all their habits, their attitude, although sometimes they hurt me so much... Until I realise that i am dating with a toad rather than a prince. Although how hard I try to change them to turn into a prince and live with me in the kingdom of happiness and love, but they would never be. And do not tend to be. They wanted me to become toads like them. I try to, but i too can't cope with their lifestyle. That when I started to think, is this the man that i have to live with? forever? Until both of us have skeleton in our closet, i've decided to make a move...I have to move on to my own path, leaving that nasty toads behind in the journey of finding my prince. I believe that i deserve a prince rather than living in toads hole. They aren't match for me. They are not destined to be my soulmates. I do not want to waste my precious life living with a man that i do not know his sincerity. I already have a deep cut in my heart. I just hoping that there's a prince that would come to be my savior of love. I just hope that I would find him and he will come and save me from this lonely kingdom tower.

Miserable...and a curse!

Thought wanted to remind myself, to forget and forgive. Hard to believe, this kind and soft hearted person can be very stubborn. Can't forget, and can't forgive. Remembering the past, which is more like a thorn into my heart. I can't forget him, neither to forgive. Hurt, is the suitable word to express it. Taking advantage at my weaknesses. Making ma' life during the school days miserable. I regret that I ever knew him. I regret that I ever befriend with her. This two person have made me really live in miserable. Really hate them.

However, time goes by, and i don't even bother bout them anymore. Though, deep within my heart, i've cursed them rest of their life. What they give to me, they will get it bad....And i think they already get it... Hope they realized that what they have done to this princess and would regret it forever, coz...I really can't forgive them...FOREVER!

Memory that can't be forgotten!!!!

Knowing him is the best thing in my life.... Loving him was the sweetest memory that I have. Losing him was the scariest...nightmare that i ever have. I really love him. My first love....my true love, gone with him. Till death do us apart...That what is the last words that he ever say to me... I didn't imagine that it will come true. Yes, DEATH. A cruel facts. Still, until now i can feel the coolness of the water that took him away from. Still, i can see his smile to me, still i can feel his cold body at my hand, and still, in the middle of night, i can hear his voice, and feel his warm hand touching my my hand. Hopefully, I still can face this cruel life, even without him by my side. And he always be with me, inside my heart.